Hamlet has kept me incredibly busy...but I still find ways to Rejoice in the Lamb

So plenty of things have happened to me since you last heard from me, including having written and deleted an entry from the blog.

I'm going through some weird terrain, as I prepare for two recitals start on composition and piano lessons (with my new teacher, Dr. Rose). With that, I'm supposed to be singing in a guy's oboe recital and the music is much too difficult to be beautiful lol (its a Bach cantata that's basically empty fluff and virtuousity.

Anyhoo, Jeff and I have been walking to see each other this semester (what a great mandatory exercise regiment lol), and I realize that in this dorm, he's probably the one thing keeping me sane. Although, he really gets competitive with that uno while sober lol.

I finally put an email together and addressed my anger about the choir I direct here. Too many decisions were being made without me and I got fed up when the concert was canceled behind my back. Either way, the president, vice preseident, advisor and I had a talk at 9am on Wednesday that leads me to believe that I'll probably be major trouble- free for a little while at least.

I've outlined my piece and am about to start work on the first movement.

I'm using Jeff's computer, and I believe I've decided that I need to have an Apple computer. The pc's, and I know this is going to sound really homosexual, are simply not as pretty by far. LOL....besides that, I've really been looking for Apple to take a more major role in the computer world so that I dont get so annoyed with compatibility issues and such.

Alright, that's the update.

This was a day that was supposed to make me feel good.

I'm starting to come to terms with the notion that I'm an extremely jealous person. I mean I can't stand for people I care about to be with other people, or to want to. I mean I can't stand for people to be consistently happier than me when I'm in this rut in my life (ok, so I need to annotate that I don't hate my friends being happy, more that I'm constantly not content). And much of my life is going smoothly, my love life isn't out of control, my REAL friends (as in the closer ones) are well and such, but little things will enter my vision and take me off the straight path I thought I was making.

For instance, I saw Matt (see prev. entries) in Rand today as I was walking by it. He was talking to some guy, and it really destroyed me to know that I couldn't say hi to him through the window. He would argue that it would have been perfectly fine, but from my perspective we all know that's just BS that would keep me on the emotional rollercoaster.

My phone was turned off for bills that weren't past due, and I had to wait on the phone while that was fixed.

It's cold. And I appreciate the warmer- than- Baltimore weather, but its still doesn't help my mood that a coat is necessary.

My room is a mess.

My white flower is wilting.

This guy on my floor is ignoring me OUT OF NOWHERE, and is becoming friends with Matt.

Another friend of mine had a guy over that he knows I don't approve of. And whether my opinion counts or not, the rule is you do that shit on the sly. This is classic Jerry Springer foolishness.

So, little things like that bother me.

But I did some sword-fighting and saw the funniest Family Guy episode I think I've ever seen yesterday, so it makes me believe that it might be true that its always in quality (not quantity) that the good days outweigh the bad days. And hopefully, the Jeffness can cheer me up, no pressure, he's just good at that. And he probably doesn't even know it lol.

I've just decided then, that I'm leaving the anger behind aforementioned situations here. You feel free to do the same. And I'm not picking up the anger again. You all have a blessed day.

I was just explaining the term "tig ol' bitties" to Jeff...

Ummm...ok so I need to post this story I found here.

A teenager has had breast reduction surgery after claiming that other girls taunted her about her 36K chest.

Stephenie Mann, 16, said the bullying was so intolerable that her parents agreed to her having an operation on the National Health Service. Last month her breasts were reduced by 11 cup sizes to a more comfortable 36D.

Yesterday the teenager, who is still recovering at home in Veryan, Cornwall, said the bullying began when she went to secondary school.

"As soon as my breasts appeared they started to ruin my life," she said. "I would hide them in baggy clothes and was constantly aware of people staring at me. By the time I reached secondary school I was a 36D. I felt so abnormal.

OK...so a lesson in not taking life too seriously.

So after that whole deal, my cat is outside and wll not come back in. everyone else has given up so I take on the challenge in, what becme, one of the most fun moments of my vacation. She really gave me a challenge. So I had to outsmart her. Either way, my pets know just when I need a pick me up. And I love that about them.

When you left, I lost a part of me...

I'm not doing well at all today. I think the cold and the lack of sunlight I got today had something to do with it.

I found out that I have significantly less money in the bank because my accompanist decided today to cash a check I wrote for her weeks ago. I left the house for the first time at about 9:40.

I went to Burger King and on the way there started crying in the car (not because of the money), but because Mariah Carey came on and I avoid her music at all costs (as Mariah Carey sings "We Belong Together" which makes me cry for OBVIOUS reasons -- see anything in this blog relating to Matt).

I realize that I'm just not on top of things like I thought I would be by now (what has it been three months now?). And as much as I want to, I can't devote all of my attention to the life I'm left with and the people around me. I just do not have it together. You would think that (and experience for me shows) I would be over this by now. But the song I avoid fits too well, and truthfully I evade it because it reminds me of how I really feel.

Jeff changed his hair, and I'm fond of it. I can tell he doesn't know what to do with me regarding the aforementioned situation. Zach's God-knows-where. I can tell he doesn't know what to do with me regarding the aformentioned situation. And they're both reading this, so my confiding in a journal is not really working well.

I'm torn apart again, and it sucks. Who am I kidding, I was never put together again. I hate to be dramatic, but I can't handle writing this journal entry so I'm going to leave it like this and finish crying.

the tenor solo in rejoice in the lamb is a reason to believe in God.

I read this passage of the Bible today, and thought it was an incredible translation.

"I'm baptizing you here in the river, turning your old life in for a kingdom life. The real action comes next: The main character in this drama--compared to him I'm a mere stagehand--will ignite the kingdom life within you, a fire within you, the Holy Spirit within you, changing you from the inside out. He's going to clean house--make a clean sweep of your lives. He'll place everything true in its proper place before God; everything false he'll put out with the trash to be burned." Jesus then appeared, arriving at the Jordan River from Galilee. He wanted John to baptize him. John objected, "I'm the one who needs to be baptized, not you!"

But Jesus insisted. "Do it. God's work, putting things right all these centuries, is coming together right now in this baptism." So John did it.

The moment Jesus came up out of the baptismal waters, the skies opened up and he saw God's Spirit--it looked like a dove--descending and landing on him. And along with the Spirit, a voice: "This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life."

The Gospel of Matthew · chapter 3 - verses 11 - 17

So...

I'm near done with the choral part of one movement of my piece. Trying hard not to be too clearly influenced by Persichetti as I write this (his "Celebrations". But I'm proud of it thus far.

Just wanted to share.

I was hit on by a stripper...

Yesterday, I decided to surprise my friend Robert by going to his New Year's bash, replete with an open bar (all I had was orange juice, ok?), awesome food which I think Robert cooked all of, the entire Maryland gay black population, and an exotic dancer (which I knew nothing about until he walked past us).

Anyways, it was pretty good fun except I only knew a handful of people there so I had to do the whole mingling-to-meet thing (which is not really that fun to me as much as it is awkward).

Well, Robert was minister of music at my home church before Jamie, who was minister of music before me. So, most of the people I knew there were musicians because I know them through Robert and/ or Jamie. I met one lady who I had seen once before at a church (she was the organist at the time, and I was playing for my choir that was visiting) who happened to have been interested in the music minister position at my church, but some wires got crossed and we were waiting for her and vice versa. Well, kind of glad that happened because she's pretty bitter about the whole thing, blaming it on the church (as if we purposefully ignored her without having met her) and angrily refusing to come in for a rehearsal to watch the ministry in action.

I told Jeff this yesterday, and I tell you too: there are alot of bitter people in the music business/ministry/industry. Don't become one, don't be affected by any.

Anyways, went upstairs and the stripper is sitting across from me. His friend starts a conversation between us because he's too timid (A TIMID STRIPPER -- that defies the stereotype). Anyways, we talk and I debate with his friend about Vanderbilt being better than Drexel at Chemical Engineering (the guy wasn't sharp on his Drexel facts, just adamant). And nothing really happened aside from being hit on, I just thought it's a pretty cool accomplishment (whether you agree with exotic dancing or not) to be hit on by the center of attention, among all the available people in the room.

Afterward, I went to Allison's house again and spent some time with friends watching the Stewie Griffin movie and the 40-year-old virgin, which are oddly alike. Brian and Kadri were oddly adamant about trying to start a game of "never have I ever" which never really materialized.

I've figured out that I'd like to interpose Whitman poems subjecting his sexuality and scriptures of ambiguous (and a few obvious) gay references. I'll discuss more on that later.

How long will we quote that song still without knowing what the heck "Auld Lang Syne" means anyways?

Hey ya'll,

It's awesome to be eighteen hours into the new year that God has so graciously bestowed.

I've made the new years resolution to set aside and maintain a near-frozen savings of at least $1000 for the year. I've got to get some better money managing skills going. I mean, I know the skills, I just don't use all of them. And my mother being a banker, for crying out loud...my portfolio needs to look a little better.

It's one week until I'm back in the 'ville and I'm very happy about that, intermittently. Now that its in my realistic outlook, I'm nervous about all the things and weird people I will have to face when I return. I still haven't decided whether or not I'm going to move out of my dorm room, which I'm only considering doing because McGill (my dorm hall) is being entirely too insensitive (and it always has been, I'm just beginning to see it).

Jeff asked me last week how I was doing with the Matt thing (the breakup, that is) and it has consumed my mind like a dense fog. My thoughts, my words, my dreams...its like I'm obsessed. And it SUCKS, not because I think these things but because there seems to be nothing I can do about anything happening in my life right now. Maybe Matt's right in that we have to learn to be successfully alone again before either of us can be ready to be not alone. But as I look back over the last three months, I've sobered up quite a deal. Its time to not be lonely anymore.

*Sigh*...lol...just when you think you have control.

A fulfilling and blessed new year, even when it becomes an old one.
GTR