a poem

Things said to me today:

Whatever helps you sleep at night, you
Why don’t you contact Stephen
Or jack off with Jeff
I hate who Ive become since Ive met you
You really are a bad person.
Im sure he brought up things before he left
There’s not a doubt in my mind that you haven’t done something with someone…kissed someone,
One day youll care about someone other than yourself and it will be too later
Stephen makes good money, I bet
I don’t see how you don’t see the devil inside of you
Like your mother

I'm going to conducting school!!!!

Writing from Stuart, DeVri and Emily's place. Middle of the day and I read this blazing hot quotation from James Jordan's book "The Musician's Spirit":

Be patient, therefore, brethren, until the coming of the Lord.

James 5:7

My father was a farmer, and he raised that most rare and exotic crop peculiar to New England, cranberries, a tough and exotic piece of fruit not given to easy entreaty or easy growth....

One day when we were in the garden and I was a young fellow, I told my father that I thought I wanted to go into the ministry. He looked at me, and he said, without changing any one of his attitudes toward his hoeing, "I always hoped that my son would do honest work." I knew what he meant. The farmer lives in proximity to two ultimate truths, which are held in balance by the authority of his own experience. Ultimate truth number one is that the harvest is the result of incredible patience, and ultimate truth number two is that the harvest is the result of incredible work. Yes, he waits for and hopes for the autumn and the spring rains, and there is nothing that he can do to induce them. That is where patience comes in. That is where relying on forces beyond one's control comes in. In that season of waiting, however, he is hardly idle, for the farmer does all the work that can and must be done, knowing that time and God alone will bring fruition to what he expects and assists. I have never known an idle farmer who is a good farmer. It is constant work, but the work is full of expectation and fueled by the labor of experience. The farmer knows that what is expected is worth waiting for. The farmer also knows that what is worth waiting for is also worth working for, and that is why the farmer is commended by James in this most practical of epistles. James is not writing to farmers, he is writing to a fairly sophisticated audience of people like ourselves, in having lost the use of their hands in the fields, are now held hostage to the fantasies and disappointments of their minds.

p.1, SERMONS, Biblical Wisdom for Daily Living, Peter Gomes

i may be in love, maestro...

Well, its been a long time. I feel I should update you on a few things:

1) I'm not working at Kairos anymore:
that's a bummer because I really enjoyed working with the people there. On the other hand, God is much smarter than I am, and the lack of work has allowed me to visit my home church and see my sister.

2) My sister's walking...
and learning how to play mind games. All the attention from us let's her clearly know how gorgeous she actually is. And she has learned this. On one hand she's cuter than ever, but she's dramatic to get exactly what she wants.

3) I'm going to grad school!!!
I've been accepted to the University of Michigan (considered by many the top conducting school in the country), which means I'll probably go there. Although, I had a great audition at the Westminister Choir College audition last weekend.

I flew to Baltimore and rented a car at 11pm. Mom and I went got home at about 12, and I went to sleep at 1. I woke up at FIVE AM to drive this rental car three hours to Princeton, New Jersey for my audition at Westminster.

I was so excited to meet Dr. Joe Miller (the newly appointed successor to Joe Flummerfelt) and got to meet him and the other candidates in a room filled with famous conductors that have conducted the Westminister Choir (Toscanini, Bernstein, Flummerfelt, etc...).

I walked downstairs and saw Adrian Rosas who I met last summer in Austria. He was auditioning his voice for the program (and had studied with Joe Miller at the Western Michigan University).

Anywho, he took his audition and I my meeting with Joe Miller and James Jordan (who Morten Lauridsen dedicated a movement of Mid- Winter Songs to) who seemed pleased and asked me about composition, jazz piano and religion v. spirituality. I played the Bach Invention in d minor and sang "Am Feierabend" from Die Schoene Muellerin by Schubert. After that I took a pretty easy aural exam, and a not so easy sightsinging exam. I got a 100, 100, 50, and a 95 in that order of difficulty.

I went out with Adrian after lunch to find a bar because we had a free three hours. I got a vodka cranberry at a bar and we left to buy a t-shirt (found out there's no tax on clothing in NJ). Downtown Princeton is beautiful. It's old small and it all borders the gorgeous Princeton campus.

After that, I conducted THE Westminister Choir. THE WESTMINSTER CHOIR!!!! I remember a couple things: I started by saying "Hello, my name is Glen Thomas Rideout. That's Glen Thomas for short, Glen for shorter. As you turn to the Sanctus, I'll say I'm from Baltimore, Maryland but I'm going to school in Nashville, Tennessee." I figured I'd want to remember that in 30 years. On the Sanctus, I remember cueing very little and making the sections stand every time they sang the primary theme motif. After that, I worked on the Libera Me, the Requiem with Soprano solo section. I had two minutes and I said to the choir that my goal was to get a ppp (Verdi's marking). I had the back row whisper while the choir sang. The point was to create a pretty spooky, foggy foundation for the floating soprano.

Well, the students complimented me at least, as well as Dr. Megill (who teaches there).

I'll try to do the Michigan thing next entry. My left fingers are sore...

La'el is crawling, standing, and superior to other babies.

I was in an opera (which was not an opera at all because no one sang) with Corey Ponder (who I know from Voices of Praise). It was the first rehearsal of the new semester and Dr. Shay emailed us that we would only be working on two scenes.

Well I get there, having practiced my two scenes from Tartuffe, and we start doing "A Christmas Carol" and everybody is aware of this but me. So I make up the lines and get the hell off the stage.

Corey has me make sure that what he's holding in his hand is appropriate to the character. I do, then walk off, then turn back and say: "This is just a rehearsal of two scenes right".

I swear, Corey's head starts spinning and he turns into a ninja. OK, he just looked at me like I was crazy and showed me the schedule that in fact we would be running the entire show. OK, if anyone knows anything about my level of preparedness for this opera, they'd pee themselves.

So, (not so) naturally, I fall into a stress induced sleep cycle and cannot wake up until I hear some weird Chinese instrument. I woke to Scurr playing his new China Tour souvenirs to his parents.

I want to switch studios again...Mama Shay, take me back!

DREAM:
So I was in Croatia last night, on a fantastically bright day. Everything was gorgeous marble and I was walking down a town street (no cars of course) admiring the architecture that was just blowing me away.

Beforehand I had just returned from a club the night before and was trying to take my friend to St. Mark's Church in a car with James (my mother's husband). My mother was at the club, so were cousins and friends of mine. The creepy thing is, I think my mom hit on me. I mean, she's beautiful but that's nasty. I think all the churches turned into Croatia cuz I was definitely in the United States beforehand.

In Croatia (walking the streets), though, I run into this guy at a bar with whom I had been talking online for a long time. OK, so somehow we just knew each other and started talking and trying to get to know one another. The last thing I remember is inviting Jeff to come sit with us, and a man in the center booth across from me giving me the thumbs up on my conversation style with this very attractive guy.

3 of 4 applications done...and my first orchestral score is in my hands. WEEEEE!!!

So last night, I dreamed I was conducting the Crunktastic Sound Express and, for some reason, had the group transfer rooms. As we were leaving the room, some very handsome guy walked in. I just remember wanting to have staying the room longer, so he could have seen my conducting (I would have tried to make it REALLY impressive lol).

Then, I went home to see my mom, and couldn't catch my flight back to school. I mean, I missed the thing three times. Somehow, my pastor from school wound up in my hometown in the car trying to catch the same flight. As we drove, all of a sudden we noticed this guy FOLLOWING US. So the fight to catch the flight turned into trying to get away from creepo in the dark colored car.

Alright, that's all I've got. That, and Stephen's singing at the Kennedy Center (no dream). How hot is that.

I'm applying to grad schools and still singing tunes from the orgasmic symphony concert last night...

All I remember from my dream last night is that I hit on a guy in a restaurant bathroom. He totally rejected me and I tried to save face by saying that I only hit on him because I was drunk (which I was in the dream).

This reminds me of a dream I never want to forget:
I was sitting on the patio at Pizza Perfect (as I used to do weekly with Nathan). This was during the time when gas prices were at their most astronomical. I looked across the street and the gas price was $5.49, but I saw that in military time (ok, as in I saw 17.49, but I automatically subtracted 12 dollars from the price - cuz in that world prices worked like military time).

Tower Records in closing and so I got three CDs for 50% off yesterday and forgot I bought them until a couple minutes ago. I bought some albums I already wanted (Tye Tribbett and Israel) and decided to take a chance on a Nashville choir. They've got an ok sound (alot more in tune than MANY other popular choirs), but the sound is STRAIGHT old school (like mid- 90s). It's cool to do that, but I think a choir should have a versatile sound (and they sound like their director doesn't step out of the mid 90s box). But like any album I criticize, I might just grow to love this album lol.

tartuffe is not worth my thursdays

I've decided to take a different direction with my blog and make it into a chronicle of what I can remember of the dreams I had the night before.

Two things I remember about this one:
1) Jill and MacKenzie are girls who I know in real life, but in this dream they were girls I didn't know that just had the faces of Jill and MacKenzie. I was ordering something and turned to see them looking at me, followed by suggestive smiling and giggling to each other. So, of course, I put my "I'm sexy" drive in full speed lol. That's all I remember of that.

2) A girl (who doesn't actually exist) was in my voice studio class (in a room that looks more like the University of Michigan than Blair) was singing one of my Poulenc pieces from this semester (C'est ainsi que tu es). The top of her voice in the song was immaculate (and I woke up before I could tell her that) but she was being kind of inward about her singing when Retzlaff told her to buck up.

She immediately started overdramatizing and all I really remember is her straddling the guy beside Dr. Retzlaff, caressing his face to the line (voila c'est ton portait c'est ainsi que tu es).

So my train tickets to Graz have the wrong date on them.

People, I'm blogging about my experiences in Croatia, Bosnia and Austria on http://glendoesgraz.blogspot.com. So check out that. There should be pictures within the next couple hours.

Text messages help Jeff and I wax Family Guy.

It's been a little while, but I'd like to put up a catch up list on what I've been doing. Enjoy...

· I've been talking alot with Adam, a friend I made in Nashville at the end of the school year. I think I like him because we're so alike, and I think I don't because we're so alike. lol. My fear with this particular friendship is that our sarcastic bents will kill the whole thing, and while I'd love to make a new good friend I never know (with anyone) how much hickly sarcastic banter I can take. He's cool though, and in the family, and a singer (which I clearly like to surround myself with).

· I've been making a point to limit the contact I have with Jeff because I realized something at the end of the year: we had been spending way too much time together, and that was making our relationship crash and burn rather than flourish. I read a confirming article in OUT or Genre magazine that said that even though we might want to see a person constantly, limiting the time will make the parties work for the relationship and thusly make the relationship work (ok the concept was from the magazine but the paraphrase I just typed was mine...I list that because I really like the wording lol). Anyways, I think it's working. Jeff and I both are having to establish lives apart from one another, which makes me feel like he's more of a good friend than an extension of myself. Personally, I tend to treat people better when I feel that way. Although, it just makes me want to hang out with people more...what a viscious cycle.

· I bought a digital camera and train tickets for my two month voyage and plan to keep an online journal for anyone who's interesting in keeping up with my going's on. For those who don't know, I'll be in Europe for two months, touring and doing some singing with a very good teacher. This is all just before I head back to school with my new voice teacher, and new senior year, busier than ever. I'm excited sometimes, but mostly very nervous to leave, and a little emotional (in the sad way) that I'll be leaving. But I have to be strong around my mom and Adam and Jeff and my church, who are all not really looking forward to two months out of the normal schedule. By the time I can buy them all cars because of the connections I established, I won't mind the two months at all lol.

· I turned 21 last Tuesday and have been enjoying the notion of legal drinking (mostly in my head) quite a bit. Durryle invited me out last week and we cruised a club called the Hippo after stopping to see Baltimore's King of Pride 2006 (who is a personal friend, and a minister). I was praying to get hit on lol...I occasionally need the reassurance that I'm still a handsome cat. About 10 minutes before close and having met SEVERAL lesbinums, a guy approaches me after seeing me look at my watch. "Do you have an appointment?" he says. LOL...I don't think I've ever been served a line before then. Well anyway, I guess I owed him a dance, and he was handsome (and a master's candidate at duke), so we danced until close. The black gay crowd's alot different (and mostly alot harsher) than the Nashville techno 'mo scene lol.

· My newborn sister is two months old and doing very well. She's the cutest. I've begun to speak to her mostly in spanish. Her gummy smile lights up my day.

If there's anything I left out, lemme know. Otherwise, I'll check ya later.

b e c o m i n g m a s t e r o f m y d o m a i n

I'm having trouble deciding what to do after my graduation (how exciting) from school. On the one hand, I'm preparing for voice auditions and conducting auditions, but I have a really good job here that pays well. Provided I don't get tired of it, I might want to stick around and do a Master's in Divinity or Administration to keep my education going.

I don't know who's going to accept me, and it's pretty nerve- consuming to have these things on my mind.

But soon enough comes two months in Europe, my 21st birthday, and all the singing I can stand lol. Music's a career that can't be beat...that is all.

no more mcgill...parting is such sweet....its just sweet.

So I took Jeff to Play (the popular 'mo bar in Nashville) this Wednesday for his inaugural trip there. We had a blast. First, they had this contest called "Student Body" for the best body in the club that night. The winner walked away with a hundred bucks. Jeff and some of my other friends were trying to get me to go up there and finally made me work up the courage. Well, anyways, I won that shizz...

Talk about a confidence booster, that was the perfect thing to happen that night, because I was talking to guys I had never met with a title on my hands lol and I think I was able to leave Jeff alone for enough time for him to explore the 'candy store' without totally abandoning him.

Then, Jeff and I met my favorite drag queen and swooned. We told Ms. Dupree that we were her biggest fans and such and how much we were all about her.

That was the first night I didn't feel vulnerable and lonely with my immediate ex-bf in the room (which was a relief to me) and we danced together a little.

I was wearing my 'Half Man Half Horse' t-shirt, which got me a lot of stares and plenty of comments lol...mostly from women (cuz they're the ones with any balls at the club). I flashed at girl at her request (don't hate me people lol).

I wound up slow dancing with Russell during the drag show next to Jeff getting fondled by some guy from his school lol.

I danced with a million people, including a girl from my music school who I LOVED groovin with and Jeff (which was very cool).

Anyways, I had a blast. Part two of early summer including my new job prospect and getting to know Adam coming up.

phoning in the blog from baltimore...

So...some interesting things I should chronicle for the readers...

cats - din din with rents
janay
boiwondur

I saw Cats (the musical) for the first time. Jeff was a character in his school's production of it, making them the third (i think) amateur/school theatre to attempt the feat. The show itself was good: I loved the concept and the music was great but the second act was much too long. Jeff did well, bouncing around in his fat cat costume...although I think the degree of his catness is slightly disturbing lol. I LOVED the part with the kitties were on stage bouncing to the music. It was awesome lol.

Afterward, I had dinner with Jeff and his parents, playing the boyfriend role (though I'm not the boyfriend). I say the bf role only because when your parents find out youre gay and you have a friend you hang out with alot, you get lumped into that category possibility pretty quickly lol. They seemed to like me (I pulled classic moves like slightly off-color very witty jokes, and the old favorite "So Jeff tells me you're in music ministry. You know I'm also a..." conversation puller). The Tony goes to Jeff, but the Oscar...well, I'll take my congratulatory muffin in the study. Make it...bran. Anyway, I think a positive experience last night, combined with their own sensibility and Jeff's letter, helped contribute to Jeff's parents being more comfy with him staying at school and Nashville (which is the best thing for him - as opposed to being at home all the time)

I held a rehearsal in Baltimore for a choir to sing for Palm Sunday. I wound up lecturing one of the girls on disrespect during church proceedings (i talked respectfully, because I was thinking about slapping the girl). But she clearly didn't want to be there and I wasn't about to force her to stay. I'm nt at all in the mood to forcibly draft people into choirs which are designed to voluntarily serve God. Anyways, I may have a battle to fight tomorrow because I wouldn't let the girl talk to me however she wanted. It's amazing what these little girls are bad enough to do. I would think alot of this stuff, but God help me if I ever said it.

Moving on, on the way to the airport shuttle to come to Baltimore, I was crossing the street with my carry on and happened to look up at the car I was passing. A guy inside it waved to me, and I realized that I only recognized him because we chatted online. I had never met this guy. How bizarre that I chose to do exactly what I did to get to that street crossing at that precise moment to see the car with the guy in it who chose to do exactly what he did to get to the same street corner. that was trippy.

My mom had my baby sister (my first baby sister, might I add). I came home to see her. She's gorgeous (of course), the cutest thing I've ever seen, and she opened her eyes when she heard my voice (*contented sigh*).

Lastly, after a very weird weekend of judging and Vanderbilt getting shafted completely, I was the only Vanderbilt winner (how bizarre) of my region's NATS art song singing competition. I've been trying to win since freshman year and always get shafted (usually by waking up with a tired voice). Met a guy there named Derrick who was really fun. We were staying across the street from one another, so after the contest we met up and talked for hours. God, I love talking lol. It's always nice to meet someone else who you can connect with on some level. He's in music ministry too Anyways, I found out that I'm already connected to him in a weird way (we have mutual friends and, in his case, former friends...I'll leave it at that).

I think thats it . . . there Jeff - it's updated

last night...well, yesterday.

I had Jeff and John over last night and that was mega fun. We drank and, as is custom with drinking, learned alot of things about each other lol. There was a truth or dare game that wound up with me running naked across two floors of McGill, Jeff -- two half floors. We met these random McTyeire people (maricelle and andre), i remember liking them until one of them told me i didn't possess a soul. i walked away posthaste.

I think the plan is to go to play tonight (the local dragshow nightclub). I'm looking forward to it. so far. the problem is, every time I want to go it never works. theres always some kind of drama or bad timing or something. well. i love dragshows for some reason, but i haven't been to play in almost a year.

speaking of play, my piano lesson was terrible yesterday. i didn't play well at all. dr. rose is just so intimidating (not her personality, she's just soooo good, that i get afraid). anyways, im not playing well in lessons. its going to take a while to get comfortable.

now, i really REALLY want a chicken sandwich...so im gonna hit that.

i think god designed stuart and i at the same time lol

ok so I've taken a break on the Whitman, mostly because it's too daunting a task to take on right after the clarinet piece. right now I'm working on setting some shel silverstein poems for voice and piano. the poems are just beautiful.

i just got in, last night, from surprising my mom with a visit at her surprise baby shower. she's expecting in april, btw. she was really happy to see me, and she got a ton of gifts. that was fun.

i think i might start a second blog that addresses my darker side. more of an anonymous blog that people would have to be really comfortable with that part of me before they read it lol.

i've begun spring break, which i have deemed a week of debauchery and madness with no apology. after hamlet, i need a week without having to make explanations.

lately, i've been having dreams about chasing men and being chased by killers. i don't know what they mean, but i enjoy the dreams. they're fascinating.

anyways...i think that's all. i'm going to my other journal now....well to go make it.

chao.

Updates on a Fatigued Guy...

Alright, so this has been the season of fifty-million things to do at one time for me. I definitely have suffered emotional and grade loss over Hamlet. For the last two weekends, I've enjoyed my role with the University Theatre as Laertes in our production of Shakepspeare's Hamlet. It's been daily rehearsals (except Tuesday I had off, only to have Phi Mu Alpha meetings then) and LOOOONG runs and fotocalls but its finally OVER.

I have it to put under my belt and am so glad about it. I mean the people were great, but enough's enough.

My clarinet piece was performed last Monday, and so rehearsing that was another thing that usually came RIGHT before Hamlet.

Matt wants his fridge back (which I have absolutely no time to move), and he's being a jerk about it by leaving snide away messages. That was kind of disheartening.

UPDATES:
Hamlet's over
I've started working out again
I was at an "Anything For Money" Party and then a "Lingerie Soiree" in the past two weeks.
Rating on childs is "a-hole" again.
My mom's having a girl whose name will be Le'el Nicole. Pretty name I think. The due date is April 10.
My recital is on April 27.
I want an ibook (it's what I'm typing on right now)
I re-dislike Elena, my accompanist. She insulted me in public (because she has no tact)
Remind me to type you the jumping the fence story...its gross.


I think that's it for now. Chao bellos

Hamlet has kept me incredibly busy...but I still find ways to Rejoice in the Lamb

So plenty of things have happened to me since you last heard from me, including having written and deleted an entry from the blog.

I'm going through some weird terrain, as I prepare for two recitals start on composition and piano lessons (with my new teacher, Dr. Rose). With that, I'm supposed to be singing in a guy's oboe recital and the music is much too difficult to be beautiful lol (its a Bach cantata that's basically empty fluff and virtuousity.

Anyhoo, Jeff and I have been walking to see each other this semester (what a great mandatory exercise regiment lol), and I realize that in this dorm, he's probably the one thing keeping me sane. Although, he really gets competitive with that uno while sober lol.

I finally put an email together and addressed my anger about the choir I direct here. Too many decisions were being made without me and I got fed up when the concert was canceled behind my back. Either way, the president, vice preseident, advisor and I had a talk at 9am on Wednesday that leads me to believe that I'll probably be major trouble- free for a little while at least.

I've outlined my piece and am about to start work on the first movement.

I'm using Jeff's computer, and I believe I've decided that I need to have an Apple computer. The pc's, and I know this is going to sound really homosexual, are simply not as pretty by far. LOL....besides that, I've really been looking for Apple to take a more major role in the computer world so that I dont get so annoyed with compatibility issues and such.

Alright, that's the update.

This was a day that was supposed to make me feel good.

I'm starting to come to terms with the notion that I'm an extremely jealous person. I mean I can't stand for people I care about to be with other people, or to want to. I mean I can't stand for people to be consistently happier than me when I'm in this rut in my life (ok, so I need to annotate that I don't hate my friends being happy, more that I'm constantly not content). And much of my life is going smoothly, my love life isn't out of control, my REAL friends (as in the closer ones) are well and such, but little things will enter my vision and take me off the straight path I thought I was making.

For instance, I saw Matt (see prev. entries) in Rand today as I was walking by it. He was talking to some guy, and it really destroyed me to know that I couldn't say hi to him through the window. He would argue that it would have been perfectly fine, but from my perspective we all know that's just BS that would keep me on the emotional rollercoaster.

My phone was turned off for bills that weren't past due, and I had to wait on the phone while that was fixed.

It's cold. And I appreciate the warmer- than- Baltimore weather, but its still doesn't help my mood that a coat is necessary.

My room is a mess.

My white flower is wilting.

This guy on my floor is ignoring me OUT OF NOWHERE, and is becoming friends with Matt.

Another friend of mine had a guy over that he knows I don't approve of. And whether my opinion counts or not, the rule is you do that shit on the sly. This is classic Jerry Springer foolishness.

So, little things like that bother me.

But I did some sword-fighting and saw the funniest Family Guy episode I think I've ever seen yesterday, so it makes me believe that it might be true that its always in quality (not quantity) that the good days outweigh the bad days. And hopefully, the Jeffness can cheer me up, no pressure, he's just good at that. And he probably doesn't even know it lol.

I've just decided then, that I'm leaving the anger behind aforementioned situations here. You feel free to do the same. And I'm not picking up the anger again. You all have a blessed day.

I was just explaining the term "tig ol' bitties" to Jeff...

Ummm...ok so I need to post this story I found here.

A teenager has had breast reduction surgery after claiming that other girls taunted her about her 36K chest.

Stephenie Mann, 16, said the bullying was so intolerable that her parents agreed to her having an operation on the National Health Service. Last month her breasts were reduced by 11 cup sizes to a more comfortable 36D.

Yesterday the teenager, who is still recovering at home in Veryan, Cornwall, said the bullying began when she went to secondary school.

"As soon as my breasts appeared they started to ruin my life," she said. "I would hide them in baggy clothes and was constantly aware of people staring at me. By the time I reached secondary school I was a 36D. I felt so abnormal.

OK...so a lesson in not taking life too seriously.

So after that whole deal, my cat is outside and wll not come back in. everyone else has given up so I take on the challenge in, what becme, one of the most fun moments of my vacation. She really gave me a challenge. So I had to outsmart her. Either way, my pets know just when I need a pick me up. And I love that about them.